Penny (![[info]](http://p-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} oh_pennie) wrote,@ 2008-04-21 10:06:00 |
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I've been mourning the loss of nathan again and haven't slept in about 6 days. I usually fall asleep at 10, wake up at 12, and im so anxious i just stay awake till i have to take a shower drinking coffee. Last week i started checking nathan's phone bill again...he has the same password, so i made the mistake of calling him and having him tell me that he has fallen in love.
So for the past week i was trying everything i could to get him back, i showed up at his place, i cut the shit out of my arm, i cried and screamed and through a book at his face. It's been one miserable week. Everytime i eat i get sick to my stomach, i feel like i just wanna hurrle, so i haven't eaten much.
Let me tell you what the worst feeling in the world is....when you madly head over heals in love with someone, but that someone isn't...when you plan your entire future and life with that person. Miranda-i have no idea how you do it, especially with a child. It's a gut renching feeling.
You go through a mini stage where 24 hours a day your heart is pounding, your anxious, you just keep calling and trying to have them take you back, trying to get your point accross.
It's monday and i took the day off, yesterday i went to see my psycholigst and she reminded me that no matter what it is in your life...a promotion, a relationship struggle, a marriage struggle, a death that it's not happening to you, it's happening for you. You can't force a promotion, or a marriage, or a relationship, or someoone whos dead to come back to life....you have to take what you are handed, rise above it...because every struggle has a meaning behind it.
I may not see the meaning right now, but one day i will see it....it's not happening to me, it's happenign for me...god has bigger plans.....what would life be like if there were no struggles?
There are greater losses in this life then losing a fiance...but until you have personally gone through this, you will never understand the pain it feels to lose your best friend, your soul mate, the person that was going to one day be your husband and quite possibly the father of my childern......
you will never understand how painful it is.....im still sad, but im slowly trying to gain control out of my life.....i can get through this, god has bigger plans....time will telll
So for the past week i was trying everything i could to get him back, i showed up at his place, i cut the shit out of my arm, i cried and screamed and through a book at his face. It's been one miserable week. Everytime i eat i get sick to my stomach, i feel like i just wanna hurrle, so i haven't eaten much.
Let me tell you what the worst feeling in the world is....when you madly head over heals in love with someone, but that someone isn't...when you plan your entire future and life with that person. Miranda-i have no idea how you do it, especially with a child. It's a gut renching feeling.
You go through a mini stage where 24 hours a day your heart is pounding, your anxious, you just keep calling and trying to have them take you back, trying to get your point accross.
It's monday and i took the day off, yesterday i went to see my psycholigst and she reminded me that no matter what it is in your life...a promotion, a relationship struggle, a marriage struggle, a death that it's not happening to you, it's happening for you. You can't force a promotion, or a marriage, or a relationship, or someoone whos dead to come back to life....you have to take what you are handed, rise above it...because every struggle has a meaning behind it.
I may not see the meaning right now, but one day i will see it....it's not happening to me, it's happenign for me...god has bigger plans.....what would life be like if there were no struggles?
There are greater losses in this life then losing a fiance...but until you have personally gone through this, you will never understand the pain it feels to lose your best friend, your soul mate, the person that was going to one day be your husband and quite possibly the father of my childern......
you will never understand how painful it is.....im still sad, but im slowly trying to gain control out of my life.....i can get through this, god has bigger plans....time will telll
